Uhmkay. So! It has been a little more than one year since I last updated the journal. As you all might realize, one year is a very long time and much has happened during the last year. And quite frankly I don't know where to start right now.

I have noticed I always return here when I just need to open up a little, get some steam out of my system, or so to speak... Just get it all out and hope that things will get better or something. The biggest change in my life is that I moved from my father. That was probably one of the smartest things I have ever done. With the added distance between myself and my father, things have gotten better, both between us and for me as I am no longer bothered by many of the things that hung over me like a dark cloud before.

And I have started working again. And I am scared. I am seeing the same damn circle forming all over again, the same that always seem to return when I make a change in my life. The first period of time it is just great. I enjoy it and feel comfortable and see that it is something that I can actually manage. Then the time comes, when suddenly everything around it gets dark. I get more and more tired, I get so damn exhausted I can barely sleep at night. Have you ever felt that? It's rather annoying! Anyhow, so I am working now. And yes, I am working a lot and it's not very encouraging, truly... I got more money when I was unemployed than I do right now, when I am working 8-12 hours a day. Wonderful!

But thats not the worst part right now... The worst is that I am going through yet another crisis... And it's REALLY bugging me. A lot. I have come to the conclusion that I no longer recognize myself. I am not the person I once was. I used to be rather cheery and happy, joking a lot, laughing even more. Maybe careless, but I allowed myself to have fun. Now, I feel boring. REALLY Boring. I have lost myself somewhere and I can't find him. I know how I want to be, how I would like to think and react, but I don't. I react totally different, I behave differently. When I think back, maybe this is how I've been all along? The "me" that I want to be again, is the "me" that burned deep marks in his arms, drugged himself down to unconsciousness and ended up in the mental hospital. It's probably not the person I would like to be again, but I remember myself quite differently. But then again, how much do I really remember from that time? Not very much, to be honest.

Anyhow... I feel like I have been beaten down and tamed. Like a young stallion, wild and free... That suddenly wakes up and realizes that someone has castrated him and converted him into a meek horse in the local riding club. Society got me, and I am trying to adapt as good as I can, follow the flow and just be like everyone else. I try so much to fit into society, that I go against myself and my own values and beliefs. I have never been "normal"... I am gay, and I have always had a different way of thinking than people around me. I have been so damn frustrated at other people, them being blind and stupid, not realizing what is truly important in life. They don't understand. And some of them never will, and I just have to accept it's not their time yet, they are not ready.

I read about extremists and "terrorists" blowing up their schools or killing a lot of people to be heard. I can't say I agree with them or their methods, but I have been afraid many times... Where is my limit? How far could I go if I was pushed? Probably all the way. Scary thought but thats just the truth of it.

I don't feel anything anymore. I just "am"... When I was on my anti-depressive pills I often felt this way. I wasn't unhappy about anything particular it was just the whole thing. I feel like an empty shell someone else dropped and I moved into. Thats quite wrong too, since there is no "me" anymore. "I" am gone. Why am I still going on? Well, I can't be arsed to do anything about it at the moment. It's not worth giving anyone grief about. Some people would take it personal and probably blame themselves, other would be miserable for a time. I know some people love me, but how can they love "me" when "I" am no longer here? My life lacks content, it's just empty. Is this what life is all about? Working to earn money so you can survive to work some more? Love is more or less non-existent in my life at the moment. I can't say I feel love for anything anymore. Everything I used to care for, is all gone. I don't feel it anymore. And I am so damn tired... I am so exhausted, I can't even explain the total and utter feeling of hopelessness, and complete apathy that haunts me.

The spark that once was in my soul is dead. It's just gone. I have no goals in life anymore. The stuff I used to fight for, doesn't matter to me anymore. The dreams I once had, has faded. My memories seems like distant dreams. When I look forward, I just have to set a date rather near and fight my way towards that one date. One day at a time, one slow hour after another. I need to find my spark again, or my very soul will die.

But where is it?

I fucking hate sleeping. Well, sleeping is not the really bad part of it, it's the waking up part I hate. See, I have a problem falling asleep, insomnia. Probably because I lay there and worry about the dreams to come but most of all - Waking up. I never know how I am going to wake up and that fucking bothers me, because it's usually some crappy ass way of waking up.

It's a little better now that the winter is here, I've changed bedroom and sleep with my window closed. During the summer, I woke up SO many mornings/days/whatever by the sound of my fathers voice, outside my window, yelling at me for something. Another horrible way of waking up is his cursed knocking. Well, at least he knocks now, but does he have to do it so damn hard? When you're waking up to it it feels like he is trying to pound his hand through the door.

Or I wake up from nightmares, soaked in sweat and my heartbeat up to 220 beats per second. Not a nice way to wake up, really. But the way of waking up I hate the most, is by pain. Like today. I have slept the incredible amount of 4 hours, and then I woke up with the worst heartburn EVER. felt like someone poured napalm inside my chest or set the whole fucking thing on fire. It took me half an hour to find some medication against it... I have to buy new one on Monday. Waking up, realizing you're in major pain really really suck. Big time. No wonder I have trouble freaking sleeping.

Good time I have friends in the US that's awake in the early morning hours here in Norway. So I had someone to whine to and someone who kept me company for at least a couple of hours.

It's kind of annoying sometimes, but although rather pleasant waking up to my fathers loud-as-hell music upstairs. Waking up to some bad botleg of Ozzy Osbourne is really not a bad way to wake up, or when he had his TNT period and I woke up to their DVD playing. Thats a good way to wake up, although some might consider it annoying.

Anyway. 4 hours is not enough, I've managed to get rid of the worst of this heartburn, only took me 3 hours, so now I'll try to get a couple of more hours of sleep... ONE night of sleep, without waking up all the time, without taking any medication, would be really nice. I want one of those nights for my birthday. kthanxalotspankyouverymuch!

I wonder how I will wake up this time.

As usual I start writing here without really knowing what to write. But as usual I'll just let my fingers run over the keyboard without thinking and then, after a while, we end up with a text and maybe, just maybe, it will have some content as well.

I apologize if there are spelling mistakes, but I'm kind of wearing lenses that's really to weak for me. So my vision is blurry, even when I wear them. But what the heck. I can't afford new ones right now anyway. So this pair will just have to do!

I have been avoiding my father lately, not knowing what to say if he confronted me with my plans again. Even though I need to speak to him about money, as I have nothing left in the bank and only some coins in my pocket. But I know what will come when I sit down with him, and I am not looking forward to it. At all. But today, I have to.

These last few days I've been thinking of what I'll do in the near future. It's really not that easy to sit down and think about what you would like to do. I mean, of course there are many things I'd LIKE to do, but I got to be realistic at the same time. And one thing my father told me has really haunted my mind. I start a lot of things and I'm very excited about it, and I keep on doing it probably a lot, enjoying it. But then, after a while, I tire of it. When it becomes routine. I never really finish anything.

First I disagreed with him but then I sat down and thought. It's the truth really. I start something and the first couple of months I really put my soul down in it, but then... all the joy of doing it just... Disappear. If I look at the jobs I've had, the first months has been great, maybe as many as 3... Then I've quit or gotten fired because I lost the will to work or something has happened so I was forced to do so. Gotten sick or whatever. It's like this in everything. Can someone answer me why? Or how to overcome this? I mean, I WANT to be able to finish something, accomplish something.

But then I have to be fair to myself. It's only recently (may) that I stopped having depressions... Ironically enough it stopped after I stopped taking my anti-depressive pills... So, well.. I don't know. Since then I haven't had any serious depressions, really. I mean, I have had bad days when everything feel shit, but thats kind of normal. Everyone got them. And since may I've only had one job, really and the reason why I stopped working was not because I didn't want to continue, it was because I couldn't do a good job when I didn't have my ADD medication. Not very easy to keep concentration on a job when you have ADD and no medication, really. So maybe the problem is solved already? I wouldn't know.

And I still haven't figured out what to do, really. Me and a friend has been talking about moving together again. I think it would work out quite well, if I don't manage to make him go crazy... I can be really good at that sometimes. Especially with my music. But hey... I have headphones, and I CAN use them. Yeah, can... Whatever.

Anyway.... I guess I'll have to go up and speak to my father now.
Get some things sorted out or something.

Seems that this journal has spread further than I realized. And I haven't decided if it's a good thing or not, to be honest. I don't know why he looked for it, how he found it or if someone gave the link to him, but my father has gotten the URL to the journal now.
I am really split about it, because one side of me feel that I've lost my sanctuary, the one place that could act as a trashcan for my thoughts. The other side of me feel it might be good for him to read what I write, because maybe then he can understand a little more of what I truly FEEL... Not only judging me by how I act.

So I have decided that no matter who actually read this, I will not stop writing. I need to write it out, just to relax a little more. Sometimes it's easier to write it all out, instead of saying it. Some people cry, some people scream, some people break stuff, some people get drunk or use massive amounts of drugs, some people hurt themselves; I write. And listen to loud music ;0)

My father confronted me with my life today, from his perspective. Although I don't agree with him on several points of what he said (simply because he still don't know how I think, how I feel or how I handle stuff) but some of the things he said is true.
At first I was angry, then I was hurt because he's so damn harsh or.. cruel.
Then a lyric came to my mind, something I noticed a while back.
"Sometimes you need to be cruel to be kind."
And maybe thats what he is doing. Trying to help by kicking me in the stomach and letting me figure out why he did it. Oh well... Not a fan of that approach but hey!

The main issue he had was my life. How I am wasting it sitting down in this basement, by my computer... Not doing anything worth speaking of. Well, I can admit that I do spend a lot of time here. I spend much more time by the computer than is healthy. Why? Who knows... Probably because lately I have had a hard time getting out. The thing is that I've become afraid of going out, in a completely ridiculous way. Whenever I think about going outside, my entire body is filled with agony. Not the pain-related agony but the cold knot you get in your stomach, spreading up your spine... Like when you're caught red-handed doing something... The kind of panic feeling... Yeah... Well... I know it's silly and all that, it really is. And the thing that scares me the most about this feeling, what I REALLY don't like is that I know this feeling so well. It was the same kind of feeling haunted me while I lived in Sweden... And I know that when I actually go out, visit friends or party, I really like it. And I enjoy myself. But the next time I'm thinking about it, the same feeling fills my entire body. And I really don't want to feel it, I don't want to have to fight myself just to go to the supermarket.

It's just not logical. And as my father made sure to point out "You can manage to do everything you really want to do!" like go to Sweden, concerts and so on. I guess it's just a matter of priorities. And if it's a good day or a bad day. I have never told anyone about this feeling as I am really ashamed of it. I feel so damn weak...
It's something I really need to overcome. I remember how I used to handle the feeling. 20 minutes before I left home, I took some pills to calm me down to the point where I didn't feel anything about going out, then I did it. Well, guess what! I am not going to let the pills take control of my life anymore. No no no. This is my life.

And then he told me I had to make plans for my future. Not my entire life, but the nearest time... Try and figure out what to do, to break this circle I am in. And yeah, I agree with him there. I need to find something to do with my life. Get out more and so on. And guess what, I realized that a couple of weeks ago myself. And I will. I don't know why, but I get really annoyed when my father tries to tell me what to do. Not only about this but more or less every time he tells me how to do stuff or what not to do or what to do or whatever....I guess it's natural and we've always had a very.. turbulent relationship. It's no news that we fight a lot and maybe that will come to an end at some point.

But then again, maybe not.

Hello everyone and no one.
It's been a long time since I wrote anything here and I suspect that those that once upon a time maybe actually READ this journal has stopped by now. Well, I don't really care. I just need to type some stuff off my chest and you know... empty myself a little. As I said, it has been too long and I barely know where to start. But I guess I'll have to start somewhere.

Today I visited the doctor. The psychiatrist... I hate those people. They bring back so many terrible memories and I only feel worse when speaking to the. As if I am reminded of what a nut case I were. I am. They make me feel even worse than I think I am, maybe because I actually have to speak about it, reflect about it, think about it... And then I actually realize just how fucked up I really am. The good thing though is that I hopefully get my medication again soon... Living with untreated ADD is not fun. Not fun at all, to be honest. Mostly because I have such a hard time dealing with my emotions, I'm like a walking PMS bomb... Mood-rollercoaster here I come!

And I feel alone. So damn fucking alone. I got people around me, but a very few thats actually involved in my life. I am sure there are people who care that I just don't realize are there, but nonetheless I feel alone. Abandoned. Like an outcast. No one can truly understand how I feel and see things from my angle, with my experiences. Sometimes I wish the human kind could be guest in each others minds. Just... Visit another persons mind and feel what it's like to be him. See the world from another angle. I sure as hell would like to do that, I think that would have been a rewarding and interesting experience for me. For everyone. Why didn't mother earth think of this when humans were evolved? Maybe someday we will. That would possibly end wars and let people understand and accept that we are all different, with different views of value.

Right now I am in pain, heartache. And it sucks. I managed, yet again, to fall for a straight guy. Yay for me. Why do I keep on doing this to myself? Let myself fall for someone there is NO WAY I can get? Why do I even bother to see the wonderful person in front of me? See all the good and interesting in him, reflect on his appearance and find the small details only I see that makes a person truly beautiful in my eyes? "You should just accept the fact that you love him - as a friend" someone told me. Yeah, thats all good and stuff. But do I really dare to keep someone as a friend, close to me, when it hurts this bad? With Limpa it turned out to become a disaster before it came anything good out of it, and I would never want to put someone through what I made Limpa go through before.

Atleast I know. Atleast I recognize and understand what I am doing with people around me. How I affect them. How I hurt them. How I make some people smile occasionally. How I make them angry and sometimes sad. But in the end, I always hurt them. I am a walking disaster, a ticking bomb of pain. Stay close to me and you are just waiting for the next time I will hurt you. "thats not true" some people would have said had they read this, "We love you the way you are!" Maybe, but why? Is it because I am such a wonderful person you just can't help loving or is it out of pity? I would give my vote on the last thing.

I know I am sounding all dramatical and a lot of "boohoo - me so sorry - feel sorry for me!!!" and it's not intended to be. And frankly I don't give a shit what you think. You are the one reading in MY journal with MY thoughts.

Well... What else? I am still fucking single, of course. I only fall in love with straight guys.
I don't have a job, they fired me while I was gone sick on doctors leave thing.
My work on this private WoW server called Rockstar is progressing quite well... I get more and more responsibilities. I think I will have to resign some of them soon, so I don't wear myself out too much. I just had a vacation and then I got sick and even though I am still active I am not as active as I would like.

It's fucking christmas.
And I'm fucking alone.
I want someone to give all those presents too...
The ones I can't give anyone else.

Okay... Since I love to read about other people, I guess I'll have to share some juicy details of my (mainly) boring life aswell. Happy reading =0P

Current mood: Just woke up, but happy and bouncy.
Current music: C'Mon by 2PM
Current taste: Mix of cigarettes and Cola... I should brush my teeth!
Current hair: Just woke up so I look like a troll
Current clothes: Ehm... A pair of black boxers *blushes*
Current annoyance: Flies. Damn freaking cursed flies!!!
Current smell: Prince, I have been smoking
Current thing I ought to be doing: Clean some clothes for the weekend
Current windows open: MSN, Notepad, Firefox & Musicmatch
Current desktop picture: Some picture SeventotheSeven made. Very abstract but very cool.
Current favorite band: Within Temptation and Sonata Arctica.
Current book: Sofies verden - Jostein Gaarder
Current cd in stereo: Don't use/have a cd player
Current crush: None, I hope. (you never know with me)
Current favorite celeb: Johnny Depp! Oh, I am SO going to marry him...
Current hate: FLIES!


--Do I--
Smoke?: Yepp yepp
Do drugs?: Not very often
Have sex?: Not for a looong time. By choice.
Give oral sex?: Of course!
Receive oral sex?: If it's the right person...
Have a dream that keeps coming back?: Not as many anymore.
Remember your first love?: Yupp. Her name was Linda.
Still love him/her?: No.. I don't think so. I still care for her though.
Read the newspaper?: Only on the internet.
Have any gay or lesbian friends?: Of course...
Believe in miracles?: Sometimes. The world does not act logically all the time.
Believe it's possible to remain faithful forever?: No... I think you get bored.
Consider yourself tolerant of others?: Nope... I get annoyed very easily.
Consider love a mistake?: So far, yes.
Like the taste of alcohol?: Mainly, yes.
Have a favorite candy?: Yeah, a chocolate called Troika... And some finnish candy-thingie I can't get my hands on =0(
Believe in astrology?: Yeah, but there is loads of not very serious people out there just trying to get your money
Believe in magic?: Depends on what you mean by "magic". In Harry-Potter style? No.
Believe in god?: Again it depends. But I would answer no.
Have any pets: Two rats =0)
Go to or plan to go to college: I have been there, and quitted. Perhaps I'll start again, who knows?
Have any piercings?: One in my ear and in the nipple. Had one in the eyebrow but that's gone.
Have any tattoos?: Three.
Hate yourself: Quite often, yes.
Have an obsession?: Hookahs!
Have a secret crush?: If I told you, it wouldn't be a secret, now would it?
Do they know yet?: Ehh.. no?
Have a best friend?: Several
Wish on stars?: Sometimes.
Care about looks?: Well... I must answer yes. Even though I don't like it.

--Love life--
First crush: Linda
First kiss: Linda, I was 11 years old =0)
Single or attached?: Very much single.
Ever been in love?: Too many times. Never again.
Do you believe in love at first sight?: No
Do you believe in "the one?": Yes.
Describe your ideal significant other: Cute smile, emotional eyes, cozy and good at lifting the mood. Trustworthy and honest.

--Juicy stuff--
Have you ever played a game that required removal of clothing?: Many times.
Have you ever been intoxicated?: Who has not?
Favorite place to be kissed?: The neck ;0)
Have you ever been caught "doing something?": Ehm... Yes. *blushes*
Are you a tease?: Yes, I would say so.
First move?: Nope.

--APPEARANCE--
Hair: Short, dark brown.
Eyes: Dark brown
Height: 184 cm


--LAST THING YOU--
Bought: My new Nokia N80
Ate & Drank: Some fried chineese food and Tab X-tra
Read: Something on the internet.
Watched on tv: Oh... Damn... *tries to remember* Don't think I have watched TV for a couple of months.

--EITHER / OR--
club or houseparty: Houseparty, you can fall asleep anytime you like ;0)
beer or cider: Cider, don't drink beer.
drinks or shots: Depends, but mainly drinks.
cats or dogs: Cats
single or taken: Soooo single.
pen or pencil: Pen
gloves or mittens: Gloves
food or candy: Mainly candy. I mean, look at my body...
cassette or cd: Cd
coke or pepsi: Pepsi MAX!
this or that: This! Mine!

--WHO DO YOU WANT TO--
kill: Some of my costumers.
get really wasted with: Anyone? Party at my house =0P
look like: Oh my.. Do I have to choose? Okay.. Ryan Phillippe
be like: Myself.
avoid: The persons I'd like to kill =0P

--LAST PERSON YOU--
Talked to: My sister
Hugged: André
Instant messaged: Bjørn
Kissed: *thinks carefully* Can't remember. I was drunk.

--WHERE DO YOU--
Eat: Anywhere but home
Cry: I can't cry. Defect emotion.
Wish you were: In a bed, next to someone.

-HAVE YOU EVER--
Dated one of your best friends? *lol* He doesn't think so =0P
Loved somebody so much it makes you cry? As I said, I can't. But I sure wished to.
Drank alcohol? Yeppz
Done drugs? Yeppz
Broken the law? Yeppz
Run away from home? Yeppz
Broken a bone? Yeah... I played Paintball and.. Well.. Things didn't turn out that well.
Played Truth Or Dare? Yeppz
Kissed someone you didn't know? Ohhh yes.
Been in a fight? Not a physical, no... Oh, wait. I hit someone once, but that wasn't really a fight as I was the only one hitting =0P
Come close to dying? Not that I know of.

--WHAT IS--
The most embarrassing CD in your collection?: Ehm... *blushes* Dr. Bombay...
Your bedroom like?: empty, and REALLLLLY small. No windows.. Kind of like a prison-cell.
Your favorite thing for breakfast? I don't eat breakfast.
Your favorite restaurant?: Sushi! Loads of it! Preferably buffet!

--RANDOM QUESTIONS--
What's on your bedside table?: There is no room for one... I have some shelves on the wall though
What do you eat when you raid the fridge late at night?: Something I can make in the Micro.
What is your secret guaranteed weeping movie?: I still don't cry.
If you could have plastic surgery, what would you have done?: Where to start?
What is your biggest fear?: Loneliness
What feature are you most insecure about?: My body in general.
Do you ever have to beg?: Yeppz
Are you a pyromaniac?: Fire is cool... Under controlled circumstances.. But yes.
Do you have too many love interests?: Nope.
Crushes?: Too many behind me. To few returned.
Do you know anyone famous?: Sort of.
Describe your bed: Small, lonely and uncomfortable.
Spontaneous or plain?: Extremely spontaneous.
Do you know how to play poker?: kind of... But somehow I always loose =0P
What do you carry with you at all times?: cell phone
How do you drive?: Erhm... Let's not go there =0P
What do you miss most about being little?: The lack of responsibility.
Are you happy with your given name?: Yepp
How much money would it take to get you to give up the Internet for one year?: As much as I would need to travel around the world.
What color is your bedroom?: Supposed to be white... but beige?
What was the last song you were listening to?: Die With You - Blutengel
Have you ever been in a play?: Yeppz
Do you talk a lot?: When I'm in the mood.
Do you like yourself and believe in yourself?: Nope.
Do you think you're cute?: Not without some "help"
Do poor, homeless, or starving people sometimes annoy you? Not really.
Do you consider yourself to be a nice person?: Generally I am
Do you spend more time with your girlfriend, boyfriend, or your friends: since I don't have the other two, my friends.
What is the first thing you think when you see two gay guys or lesbians holding hands?: Great! Now find me one...

This weekend has been an emotional rollercoaster, and other rollercoasters.

On the Friday I got some sort of crisis, started to doubt things around me, my life and in myself as a person. When I got home from work I were so exhausted I had to sleep for a couple of hours before I dared speak to anyone because of my bad mood. I got the wrong kind of feedback from the wrong persons at the wrong time, thats all... Nothing really serious. When I woke up on saturday it was all better.

Saturday was... undescribeable. I went to Tusenfryd (an amusementpark in norway, outside Oslo) with a friend and we had a great time. well, we got kind of stuck in traffic on our way there, but we got there eventually and MAN was it fun! We took everything there we both wanted (Wich was the same things actually) and even bought us a pair of photos from one of them. It's always nice to have some memories to look back at if my own memory decides to get a new black hole, or void or something... Then we did something extreme (well, to us it was anyway)... The SkyCoaster! Let me explain to you what I went through, 'cause it was quite much...
First we signed some form, wich kind of felt like I was writing my will, or death sentence. I am so damned scared of heights it's not even funny... We had discussed it earlier that day, if we should do it. Both of us really wanted to, but we were not sure if we dared. But then I decided I really wanted to do it, and my friend was with me on it. We were to face our fear; height.
So we signed and got some kind of suit on us. I spoke a lot with the woman who helped me putting it on and she kind of made me feel a little more relieved. We got up there, they put the straps on us and we "fell" forward and they started dragging us back upwards. Inside I felt like everything had turned to ice, my stomach was a small knot and I had trouble breathing. But as the good actor I am, I tried my best to seem calm, much becasue of my friend who I wanted to calm down a little... halfway up he started shouting to the lady down there to let us down, but she didn't listen.. And had she even thought of it, I think I would have refused her to do so.. I wouldn't let my friend take the easy way out when we both had gotten so far. We got to the top, 33 meters above ground, only held by a wire. My task was to pull the line wich let us loose so we could fall. I heard her shout from down there "3... 2... 1... FLY!" and the microsecond from she said fly to I actually pulled the wire seemed like a whole minute to me. I was sure I was going to die, and my whole body got all calm, as this wonderful feelings rushed through my body. It's undescribable really, there is no words strong enough to explain what I felt up there. I turned my head and looked at my friend and at that moment I realized that if I died now, it would be worth it just to experience that very flash of a second.
Then I pulled it, and we fell. It was only a couple of microseconds again where we actually fell freely, only the gravity controlled our bodies. And I am sure my heart skipped a beat or two. but it was... amazing. A rush, a kick an experience I wouldn't have missed for the world. No drug I have tried so far has given me anything even compareable to what I experienced. Then I felt the rope taking hold and I felt so free, so alive. And there we flew back and forth, only enjoying the rush going on in our bodies. We were hanging so close together I almost felt like we were one, we had shared yet another moment in life, we both will never forget. I am really glad it was with him I did this.
Proud and very shaky we sat down for a long time and shared the moment again, verbally and for the first time I saw something I had never seen in my friends eyes before; proudness of himself. I am glad I was there to share that moment with him.
Later that evening we went over to my place and ate dinner at the restaurant nextdoor, then shared a bottle of wine and saw a movie with my sister. It was really nice spending more time with him, doing stuff. I think he had a good time and I really enjoyed it. We went to bed quite late and woke up later both hot as cooked sausages.

The sun had warmed my room as usual so it was like a sauna in here. I am quite used to it so I didn't really mind but he really seemed warm. Then we went up to the balconny (or outside area) of my fathers house and I made some breakfast while I watched my sisters daughter while Kaisa took a shower and so on. Unfortunately my sister had been wrong about the time my father came home and he got all upset about me being there, especially with a friend. He were at least polite enough not to start an argument until I had driven my friend home. He has all this issues about his "privacy" I seem to violate all the time not knowing it. Yes, I know I ate of his food, but so fucking what? He know I don't have a fridge nor a kitchen and all my food, the little I got, is up there. And seriously... What privacy can I violate by taking a friend outside? I clearly don't understand how he thinks and what he see as privacy. I hadn't even been up there if my ister didn't ask me to babysit her daughter. We were on our way to the gas station to buy some food when she asked me if I could watch Nathalie. I didn't think my father was comming home for serveral hours anyway, so I didn't think more of it. But well. He did come home.

Then my aunte, her husband and my cousine came to visit us. My cousin is leaving for Australia in a couple of days and will be there for almost a year, so this was my chance to say goodbye. They were going to help my father get rid of a boat by sinking it in the ocean, but the water was so low they ended up damaging their own boat instead. I told my father I thought it was a really bad idea sinking the boat, and he snapped at me. Okay, he was grumpy about me eating upstairs and all that but he really didn't have to use that tone at me and I got really furious. Instead of making a scene out of it and tell him what I really felt about his damn tone and completely fucking IDIOTIC idea, I walked away. I am really proud I managed to, since I was not at all happy about what a big thing he made this "eating with a friend on HIS property" thing... This really shows that I have made progress with myself and I am proud. Really proud... Then he made me drive my sister to Oslo, somehting I really didn't want to do since my car is all fucked up and it's a really big responsibility driving an infant. But I agreed to do it after some preassure from him. And if I hadn't I know he would have been mad at me, 'cause he then had not been able to drink while eating. When I came home a couple of hours ago I sat down and started writing this, then he asked me to help him with something and I did... So I said again I thought it was a really really bad idea to get rid of the boat in the way he is going to. You don't make a boat sink down in ocean to get rid of it... That's a fucking big violation to every environment law there is, and I will not be a part of it or knowing someone does it without saying what I think about it. But he just ignored me and started the discussion about this "eating with a friend on HIS property" thing... Can I expect more from him? No, I guess not. Do I care? Yeah, I do...

I knows deep inside he must love me, or I wouldn't have been able to live here without paying a dime... But he really makes me feel bad sometimes. Like now, my stomach hurts like hell. He makes me sick to my stomach when he starts, and... Well. I guess I must find some way to handle his.. wierd ideas and discussions... He has brought me down before, but I won't let him do so again. Not now. He is much better now, after he met his girlfriend but still.. Sometimes he is unbearable...

Sooo... I have emptied my head from thoughts and feelings,it's WAY after midninght, my stomach still hurt as hell, but I will get some sleep. Work tomorrow...

I should be asleep right now, but I can't sleep. Not without emptying my head a little.
As always when I watch movies I like, my head starts swirling around like it's on speed or something. I got no control over the thoughts and the feelings that it brings with it.

This time it was Brokeback mountain that was the damn movie. I really thought it was a happy movie, a movie where it all ended good... But I was wrong. Oh so wrong. I really don't want to end up like that, all empty and alone. Well, I will never end up QUITE like that, 'cause I couldn't stand to live in a lie. Walking around denying myself what I truly want.

But then again sometimes it feels so tempting to get a "normal" life... A wife, a dog, a volvo and a nice little house somewhere... 2 1/2 kid and a 9-5 job. but I guess that won't ever be me. I don't think I would be happy anyway. Nah, I wouldn't. Anyway... My life feels quite good now and it's just one tiny bit that isn't there... someone to hold. I guess it will come in time, I only pray it will be sooner than later.

Sometimes I feel I am SO prude, and should "let loose" more. But then again that isn't me. I guess I could get drunk, find some ugly bastard and have a hot night somewhere. Or two. Or five. But I know I wouldn't enjoy it, it would give me nothing.
"Do we die for love or do we love to die?" Quite interesting question... I spent the entire ride home thinking about that while waiting in a phone-queue... I couldn't come up with a satisfying answer, really. I almost wrote I would love to die, but that isn't true, really... There is so much I need to do, so much I need to experience until my time here is over. Some things I don't think I'll ever do, but I should and I know it.

Actually, the truth is I am quite fond of someone, someone I don't I'll ever get. He has some issues with himself and will never accept the fact that someone can care about him. Sometimes I just want to slap him, maybe that will bring him back to reality. Then again it probably would only make things worse. It's hard to really care about someone and not being able to tell them, because you know it would only make the matter even worse. I will just have to swallow it and get over it, as I have done so many times before. But it hurts just as much each time. But I am stronger than before, and I can handle it. Even if there WAS to be something between us, I doubt he would dare to let me close enough, to open up and accept all that I wish to give... So I would just be frustrated and miserable. But then AGAIN I could be wrong. There is always the possibility that I'm wrong, however small it is (in this case)... The person I'm talking about should know who he is, so.. Well... That was my confession. Next step is up to you! ;0)

Yay... Midnight. Only 5 hours until I am supposed to wake up. Oh well.
Perhaps now I can sleep.
Take care everyone!

It's summer, I got a job I'm quite good at, I have my own (well... sort of) appartment and... Yay!
Things are finally going better, I feel better and.. Yeah.

I've moved the last of my things from the other place I lived.. It's quite messy, I haven't even tried to start unpacking yet. It's just... SO much stuff. Well... Atleast I know what is on the scedule for this weekend. Things are working out quite nicely between me and my father so far. No big arguments... But then again I haven't grown tired of him asking me to do everything he is to lazy to do himself. Like yesterday he had had some beerrs and couldn't drive to the gas station to rent some movies, so I drove him. Then today I had to go and return them because, guess what, he had had some beers. Well, it only took me 5 minutes, but it is those things that bugs me with living here. Like he think I am his servant because I live here without paying rent. Oh well... It won't harm me, anyway...

My aunt and my cousine was here today when I got home from work. Kind of a nice surprise since my cousin is moving to Australia for a year soon, so I got to see him before I went. I am kind of lazy myself when it comes to visiting people, but... I always have other things to do. Or some other lame excuse.

Work is going rather well. I have gotten a lot of compliments, they think my voice is "perfect for speaking on the phone" and "very soothing"... Well, thank you, I guess. I think I'll find it very interesting and challenging at the same time as I know I will be quite good at it. Soooo... Yeah. It's all good. Even though I want to decapitate one in my group sometimes. I can't even begin to describe the amount of stupid things he manages to say, and do, in one day... Three times (3!!!) he has "jumped" on someone from behind while they have a cup of cofee in their hands. Every time with the same result, they get hot coffee all over themselves... If it had been one time, I wouldn't be surprised but three? In one week? Oh well... some people are just anoying, and I have to learn how to live with them. And I will.

Just a little update on how things are going.
Enjoy the sun while it lasts!

Hey there, no one.
I've more or less moved back to the small appartment at my fathers house. Feels kind of nice even though I can't relax there somehow.. I mean, all the time I'm just waiting for my father to burst in the door or shout at me from a window because he is to lazy to knock. And when he DO knock, it sounds as if he is trying to make a hole in the door with his hand.

Anyway. I've begun working. At this Norwegian cellphone-operator thingie, Telenor. It's kind of fun, actually, even though it's really challenging. I have to get up 05.30 every morning! Hell, thats when I used to GO to bed. But so far so good... Then there is this issue about getting here. I mean, I drive here and if I drive from home 06.15 I arrive here approx. 07.45 but if I leave home 06.00 then I come to work 7 am... Wierd thing how traffic can become SO much worse in only 15 minutes!

Sooo... I got some time here before I have to get started. Today will be my first day actually answering phones, so... Wish me luck.

Things are going rather good for me theese days, actually. Can't complain. I'm feeling well, I got some few coins to use and I got a job. Maybe I have done my time of misery for now and can focus on what it's like to be a "normal" person. Time for new experiences!
Smell ye laterz.

Hey again.
Not the first time I sit down to write without really having anything to write about. Well.. I'm just going to let my fingers do the magic dance of keyboarding and We'll see what it turns out to be. I'll sound like a madman, as usual, but hey! Who cares? I've been feeling very good lately, happy, although things are quite hard to handle. It must be that new wonderful way of thinking I'm trying to get used to.

Love: Love doesn't exist. Love is a feeling made to delude you, a chemical explosion in the body. Well, for fucks sake, why can't another explosion happen at the same time as for me? Anyway, as for this guy I fancied... I've givven up. clearly he isn't ready for anything more, so I am moving along quite nicely. Unusual for me to be able to just... move on. But hey! It's a good thing! More than that it's a wonderful thing. Sooo... You won't hear me complaining. Can you be in love with more than one person? I think I'm the master of falling in love with the wrong person. Or I'm maybe just the worst person in the world when it comes to handling emotions.

Gah... Suddenly I don't feel like writing.
I'll get back to you!
Take care

Hey ho and all that!

So, what has happened? Yeah, right. Quite much as usual.
I went to the doctors 'cause I had a headache that was killing me. It was quite bad, really... I actually fainted due to the pain, and I'm not one that faints easilly.

Sooo, I went there to get some painkillers, but hah! They kind of got fire in their arses and the next thing I knew I was lying in a hospital bed on my way to do a CT/CAT scan. For those of you who don't know what that is, it's a way of scanning the brain. And they took blood samples and didn't really answer any of my questions. Well, it started to get late and I asked when I could go home, but it seemed I couldn't. They were keeping me there and told me they would probably take my driving lisence since I had fainted without obvious reason and that it wasn't safe for me to drive.

Well, I was getting quite upset, but I was to become even more upset. They told me theyhad to do take a sample of some fluid in my spine (Yeah, I know.. Medical decriptions in english isn't my best skill). So I had to sit there and bend forward while the doctor got this HUGE thingie to make an injection with (syringe?) and stuck it straight into my spine and started digging around to find this small vein where this fluid was running. And of course she couldn't find it and had to start all over again further up. And that fucking HURT! Well... Actually, it wasn't the pain that was the worst part, just the feeling of something digging around where 10% of the body's entire nerve-collection is... I thought I was going to throw up, or atleast faint... And she told me afterwards she was impressed I didn't.

The next day followed like the first, tests and scans and x-rays... I thought I was going mad. Well, then they had this fun thing where they fastened a lot of cords to my brains and collected information about the electrical activity in my brain, before they started doing electrotherapy on me, trying to trigger some sort of reaction, or attack of headache or something... Again all that happened is that I became sick and felt really bad. Sooo... After a LOT of tests they did another CT/CAT scan and noticed that I probably just had sinusitis (bihåleinflammation/bihulebetennelse)... Thanks a LOT... Well, it WAS kind of serious though... 'Cause it was placed higher up in the head than usual so when I felt preassure in the head, it wasn't in the face or eyes, like a normal sinusitis.. It was actually pressing the brain itself, so that was the reason for the extreme pain. I am sure I should be glad it wasn't anything worse, eh?

Sooo.. What else?
I went out in Drag yesterday. It was so much fun, really. I got compliments from everyone about both my makeup and how I looked generally. Well... And the boy I have been talking about was there. He was kind of hard to get some attention from, 'cause everyone kept stealing him from me... there was two other boys there trying to hit on him, so... *sighs*
Well, I finally got to sit down and speak to him, and I told him how I feel about him. He is so sweet.. He didn't want to hurt me and he was totally honest with me. So now I know... Well, it seems he like me a lot, but he has a hard time getting over his former boyfriend (that commited suicide) and so on... So I don't know, really. A prat of me tells me he is worth waiting for, but then there is this small part of me that keep asking me the same question... "Is there anything to wait for? Does he like you as much as you like him?" Well... There is only one way of finding out, really. I have to speak to him about it again. Now he know what I feel, I just got to find out what he feels. Problem is I don't think he know himself. So... I will have to be patient and wait and see what happens... But Patience is NOT one of my better skills, so to speak.

The song of my life right now:
Abba - Take a chance on me!

If you change your mind, I'm the first in line
Honey I'm still free
Take a chance on me
If you need me, let me know, gonna be around
If you got no place to go when you're feeling down
If you're all alone when the pretty birds have flown
Honey I'm still free
Take a chance on me
Gonna do my very best and it ain't no lie
If you put me to the test, if you let me try

Take a chance on me
(That's all I ask of you honey)
Take a chance on me

We can go dancing, we can go walking, as long as we're together
Listen to some music, maybe just talking, get to know you better
'Cause you know I've got
So much that I wanna do, when I dream I'm alone with you
It's magic
You want me to leave it there, afraid of a love affair
But I think you know
That I can't let go

If you change your mind, I'm the first in line
Honey I'm still free
Take a chance on me
If you need me, let me know, gonna be around
If you've got no place to go, if you're feeling down
If you're all alone when the pretty birds have flown
Honey I'm still free
Take a chance on me
Gonna do my very best and it ain't no lie
If you put me to the test, if you let me try

Take a chance on me
(Come on, give me a break will you)
Take a chance on me
Oh you can take your time baby, I'm in no hurry, know I'm gonna get you
You don't wanna hurt me, baby don't worry, I ain't gonna let you
Let me tell you now
My love is strong enough to last when things are rough
It's magic
You say that I waste my time but I can't get you off my mind
No I can't let go
'Cos I love you so

If you change your mind, I'm the first in line
Honey I'm still free
Take a chance on me
If you need me, let me know, gonna be around
If you've got no place to go, if you're feeling down
If you're all alone when the pretty birds have flown
Honey I'm still free
Take a chance on me
Gonna do my very best, baby can't you see
Gotta put me to the test, take a chance on me
(Take a chance, take a chance, take a chance on me)

Honey I'm still free
Take a chance on me
Gonna do my very best, baby can't you see
Gotta put me to the test, take a chance on me
(Take a chance, take a chance, take a chance on me)

Honey I'm still free
Take a chance on me

I woke up today when I got an SMS from my mother!
It seems my sister is on her way to the hospital to give birth =0)
Soooo... Today is the day! The day when I will feel somewhat old, the day when I become an uncle!
Yeah! it's true! Natalie is comming and... Well, It seems I can't be there but still.

*bounces around*
I will try my best to get there as soon as possible!

Okay, I realised I haven't written here for a long while, but here I am writing again!
Much have happened since I wrote last... I went to Trondheim, a city rather far north in Norway, on a conference. I met a lot of really nice persons up there and had a really great time. Felt OH so good to get out of here and do something DIFFERENT! Soo... Yeah. Loved it.
Then the strangest thing happened when I get back! A guy started flirting with me. It's a guy I haven't met so many times yet, but already from the first time I spoke to him I liked him a lot. Not only because of his good looks, but for what I see in his eyes.

So I took a chance and flirted a little back, and.. Well.. So far everything has been going swell. But at the same time I am so damn scared to be burned again, but I know it is a risk I must take, to have a chance to be happy. Can't play safe all the time, if you want to win. So here I am, very interested in this boy and I think he likes me too. New situation for me, more to learn. Of course, me liking a person isn't anything new, but believing they like me too, is. I hope to meet him again soon... Very soon!

I have been forced to stay in bed for 3 days now... A serious cold knocked me down, to say it the least. I felt like I was dying! (Yeah... men when they get sick...) But seriously I was totally out of it. One of the guys I live with said it looked like I had been partying for 3 weeks non-stop. Well... 2 days without sleep while being ill may have that effect on you.

This weekend I will go in Drag again for the first time in a looong time. I must practice a little on high heels to recover some balance... it is harder than people may think when you are not used to it, it really is... And I must practice atleast ONE number to have in my pocket in case someone asks me to do one. And I am still wondering if I shall drink or not.. It's easier to go in drag a little tipsy, but then high heels and drinking is a BAD combination! I guess I will let the money decide...

Anyway, not I shall get one night of beauty sleep, I kind of need it.
I'll write more here soon.

I don't really know how to write this, things feel strange!
Strange in a good way. Really good.
It feels like I for so long have walked into this mental door, bumped my head into it numerous times just to recently discovered it has a handle and managed to open it. I am now in a new mental room with so many more doors, I know how to open them but not wich one to open, but then I feel it doesn't matter. The worst thing that will ever happen is that I'll have to open a new one.
I am exhausted mentally but eager. I have discovered something, but I don't know what it is yet.

Sometime life is funny...
Today I found a new song by Within Temptation I never had heard before, quite strange...
I have had it on my computer for some while, but under a fake name.
Though it was A dangerous mind, but it was the swan song... Soooo... I never heard it myself until today.
And the lyrics... It just... It's just SO right!

"Winter has come for me, can't carry on.
The chains to my life are strong but soon they'll be gone.
I'll spread my wings one more time.

Is it a dream?
All the ones I have loved calling out my name.
The sun warms my face.
All the days of my life, I see them passing me by.

In my heart I know I can let go.
In the end I will find some peace inside.
New wings are growing tonight.

Is it a dream?
All the ones I have loved calling out my name.
The sun warms my face.
All the days of my life, I see them passing me by.

As I am soaring I'm one with the wind.
I am longing to see you again, it's been so long.
We will be together again.

Is it a dream?
All the ones I have loved calling out my name.
The sun warms my face.
All the days of my life, I see them passing me by."

I love it.
My new favourite song.

I have been thinking for the last couple of weeks. More than usual that is.
I always thought I was thinking too much, well... It's true. I do.
Problem is that I keep focusing on the problems, not their cause or the solution.
And how am I supposed to become wiser or happier by sitting there thinking about all the problems I got? As if that will help me anything at all. Why not spend that time thinking about how I am going to change things or svolve that problems? It turns out that it's just as hard finding a solution and actually change things. My life feels kind of empty, meaningless (yeah, spelling would be great) and I got stuck in that thought... How much of a waste of oxygene I am. So, I decided to try and find meaning to my life, try to change the angle of my thoughts. Instead of thinking "Why the hell shall I keep on living when nothing really matters?" I changed to "What can I do to make a difference? How can I turn my life into something worth living for?" Well... I am kind of stuck there, but just by breaking the way of thinking I have gotten quite far. Why didn't I do this years ago? It's such a simple solution, but still took so long time to realise. Instead of Apathy I need passion for something. A Passion.

I am so damn love-sick theese days. Damn spring! Feels like I am in heat. I am so emotional it's not even funny... Feels like I am going to burst, like I am going to explode emotionally. And I really hope it happens, that I will have a minor breakdown. Not a mental breakdown, of course but... I want to cry, not being able to stop. I want to just... scream. I am not feeling very sad, not depressed as I have been I am just... emotional. I really see it as a healthy thing right now, a good sign.
But about the love-sickness. It's really nagging on me, seriously. Something I do must be wrong, I just need to find out what it is. I know, in the bottom of my heart, without trying to brag or anything, that I have a lot to give, that many people could and would be able to love ME just as I am. With my scars and flaws. Because I know that I really am a unique person, the kind of guy people describe when they describe their "perfect man". So, why won't I let anyone see that side of me? Because everyone can't be blind, so it must be something I do to prevent people from seeing it. If it's one thing I have learnt it is that it is never "everyone else" it is something wrong with, It is me. Don't think I am trying to speak myself down again, 'cause I'm not. I'm just being realistic. Sure, had it been one person it could be that one person, but since it is "everyone" I must be doing something. But what? Perhaps it's my own way of protecting myself that also blocks people out?

What really nags on me aswell is how shallow many people is. Sure, they might say "it's not the looks that matters, it's the inside" but hey! Realise, if the outside isn't good enough they don't even open the present to see what's inside. I know I don't look like Brad Pitt or Johnny Depp but hey! I am not THAT bad looking either. I know I am not 'slim' but I am not that obese either! Must be someone that like what I look like? Or am I delusional? Nah, I can't be. It's so many butt ugly persons (only speaking of looks now) that have a girl-/boyfriend so it can't be impossible for me either. And yes, I know saying someone is butt-ugly isn't very nice. I should have said less attractive or something, but hey! I'm not perfect! (yet)

Well, people.
Enough wisdom from me on one day... Or rambling... spamming... Whatever ;0)
Cya'll later! =0P

I am back from sweden again.
The concert was amazing! As suspected, of course.
Would have been greatly dissapointed if Sonata didn't give what they usually do.
But yeah, it was amazing. It's experiences like that wich keep me alive!
And meeting Bjørn was really really nice aswell. He was as I had hoped him to be!
I really hope to meet him again soon and get to know him even better!

Today I went to the cinema with Robert. It was really nice aswell.
We watched Ice Age II and I laughed almost the entire movie! If you haven't had
a chance to see it yet, do so! It is well worth it!

Tomorrow I am going to a party... Kind of nervous but I hope it will be okay.
I haven't had any alcohole for a while, so I kinda don't know how much I dare to drink...
Don't want to become wasted and make a fool out of myself. I was going to be sober, but then..
Naaaahhh... Don't want to.

I need money. Now.
I am thinking about going in to Oslo and walk the streets, hoping someone want to pay for some "fun"
or whatever... No, but seriously. Money would be nice. I get money back in june, but thats too late!
Oh well. Whatever.

"The words have been drained from this pencil
Sweet words that I want to give you
And I can't sleep
I need to tell you
Goodnight"

Sitting here alone, Nicolai (my little brother) is sleeping. Getting him into bed is an art of it's own. By some reason he is terrified to be alone, so if I go out to have a cigarette he might be standing in the livingroom screaming because he thinks he has been left alone. Oh well, he is only 5 years old. But still, kind of hard when I am watching a doggie aswell, and she has the smallest bladder I've seen in my life... Has to go out to pee like every hour or so. Oh well.

My back is killing me. Really hurting a LOT.. Don't know what I've done... Ah well, it'll pass. It always does.
Just hope it'll pass until the concert on wednesday, or I will have a hard time. As if I will care. No!
I'll just ignore it, usually works out just fine.

I have a lot of things on my mind theese days, so much I want to write down... But somehow I can't get myself to start anywhere. I can't seem to get started. Where to start? How can I make it somewhat understandable? I guess I will wait until I get home from sweden when I can feel more at ease doing it, when I know I can use how much time I want and... So on.

"Bound at every limb by my shackles of fear
Sealed with lies through so many tears
Lost from within, pursuing the end
I fight for the chance to be lied to again"

I miss you.

I am sitting in sweden now. It's raining outside, my brother has a friend over and they are playing something very noisy (childrens imagination never seize to impress... Did I ever have that good imagination?), I have a cat next to me (although he would much rather lie on the laptop since my lap is "his place"), They are looking after a dog that never stop barking... Much sounds everywhere and my nerves are not very good today. Oh well, shit happens.

I had a really nasty nightmare tonight, and unusualy enough I actually remember it. It's quite sick so...
I was imprisioned in a very scary prison. The guardsman there was a real bitch who enjoyed his prisoners to suffer, as much as possible. When we tried to make anything nice, whatever it was, he made sure it was destroyed. We were prisoners and there to suffer, not have a good time. He was a real sick person... One of the prisoners and me connected really well, we understood eachother in a way that was very rare. One day he came in with a bucket and we had to pee in it, everyone starting at once, and whoever was first finished was "selected". We all knew that once someone was "selected" they were brought out with the guard and they never returned. Unfortunately it was my friend who was selected this time, and before they dragged him away he whispered to me "I just want you to know how much I like you!" and I answered with a tearful smile "I have loved you since the day we met..." He looked a little surprised and threw himself around my neck and kissed me. It was the most passionate, strangest kiss I've ever experienced (even in a dream) and after some seconds of kissing the guards pulled him away while we maintained eyecontact and tears started running down my chins, and didn't stop.
The kiss had an effect on everyone around me that suddenly realised I was gay, sometime no one knew before. Suddenly they all became disgusted and intruiged at the same time, and horny as they were they took turns raping me, while they hit me and kicked me when I tried to resist. In the end I was so sore, I hurt so bad that I didn't care to try and make resistance. So I woke up, and couldn't sleep for another three hours.

This dream made me feel really bad. It kind of makes sense...
Everytime I find something that makes me happy it is ripped away from me, just as I realize I have it.
If something could just stay for a small while, it would be better...

I am just looking forward to the concert, to meeting Bjørn, to enjoy the music of Sonata Arctica.
No matter how much my dreams might be bugging me, I will stay on my feet.
I will have to.
I will.